The meaning of clothes in my life
I've rediscovered the meaning of clothes in my life and these days I get really joyful and excited about it. I remember in adolescence when clothes so heavily signified which group I was part of. Clothes as identity. Who am I? Perhaps the most important question to answer in adolescence. That quest continued through more experimental periods where social acceptance and "fitting in" was less important, wandering among different values, constellations, norms - and the clothes followed along.
I've had a couple of years now growing more into my skin and my experience has been mostly on the inside, not reflected as much in my appearance. Perhaps part of the journey was to discover those things about me that are not really identity, but deeper, more soulful. How does one represent that, literally, when clothing oneself? Is it even appropriate to wear one's soul on one's sleeve?
Earlier this year, I went through all my clothes, holding them in my hands, one by one, and asked myself if it sparks joy. And surely enough, the months that passed have been filled with inspiration and a kind of deep knowing - this is what I like and feel great about. If you haven't tried Marie Kondo's method and find it hard to believe that it works, I suggest you try it out and get a real experience.
Perhaps the most important difference for me in how I approach clothes compared to my adolescence is that clothes don't signify identity so much as they're a bunch of languages. We always speak with our clothes. Somethings are immediately understandable to others, others are ambiguous or contradictory, and some are unintelligible to all but a few.
Some things, perhaps the best things, I end up wearing because they seem to carry a deeper meaning that might just be known by myself. But it doesn't matter. Some things are great to tell yourself too. I have clothes that I mainly wear to tell myself some things and every time it makes me feel great. They might even be misunderstood by quite a few folks, but still are worth saying.
By the way, Marie Kondo's method might just be the royal road to sprezzatura, because it effectively means that all the clothes you wear are ones you feel good about. That makes you look good on a much deeper level. Perhaps even better than any "studied carelessness" could do. (Which would mean that even Bruce Boyer misses something in his classic book on menswear, True Style)
As I reflect on the meaning of clothes in my life, a sadness also comes up. I'm sad that boys and men in my part of the world, and this day and age, are still so restrained in how we dress. As men are restrained in so many things that have to do about showing oneself and showing the things that matter to us. Showing something is always vulnerable - exposing is perhaps a more fitting word.
What I've learned from being a boy and a man is that exposing myself to other men is always dangerous. You can get hurt. By name-calling or actual physical violence. I've always felt deviant among the men in my life. And the clothes often showed. In my compliant or depressed periods, less so. In my more anxious and defiant periods, probably a bit too much.
It might be helpful to remember that men are the most likely victims of male violence. Patriarchal violence against other men often wants to force men into conformity, i.e. not "showing" something that is too different. All deviant men knows this experience. The loss of dignity is the first price that deviant men pay for that. So you hide an important part of yourself (shame). And everyone else loses out too - on a lot of potential beauty and creativity. True character actually!
And this is also the first judgement that comes up for me against men that engage in violence with the goal of making other men conform: Your anxieties about difference are getting in the way of developing true character. Look at you - you look like someone wearing your clothes as a shield to protect a fragile sense of self. I'm sure that helped you once. Do you think you're brave enough to show us a bit more who you are? I know it takes courage. Are you man enough to be vulnerable?
